I am writing about things that happen to me and I am sure are happening to you, some of these things happen and we just don’t talk about them. If you are like my new friend Margo, they may not happen for another 50 years, but then all the more important. You should know, it is going to happen. If we all talk about them, we realize we are not alone, and there is some humor in these bazaar situations.
The Single White Hair, I was going to write about her a couple weeks ago, but really I was a little embarrassed and way to vain to tell the world that I had a white hair that was no less than 2 inches long, escaping out of my neck. At first I thought it might have been an runaway from my neck threading adventure, that I so informatively wrote you about in Chapter 3. But it wasn’t, it was a fine white hair, so long that I actually pulled it with my fingers, no tweezers necessary. I saved it. I thought I could submit it to Ripley’s Believe It or Not, that is how awesome it was. But I let it pass and wrote about putting Myself on Sale, in Chapter 6.
I received by Whatsapp a VIP invitation, the size of a postage stamp for a mouse, to a party at an exclusive restaurant. It was a White Party. I spent the entire week thinking up outfits and trying on all past great White Party outfits from Ibiza. First, I realized as the numbers go up on our birthday cakes, so do the numbers go up on our waistlines; none of my skirts fit. I became very creative and wrapped myself in a white embroidered beach sarong and topped it off with a jeweled Balmain tee. I then proceeded to light my self up with various Lanvin, Prada, and Chanel vintage pins, cuffs, earrings and of course fabulous Beverly Feldman shoes. Style See Me in particular, my go anywhere shoe…
Forget that I spent an hour doing my makeup and for really big occasions I take out the Kabuki mask which is a combination of Chanel and TomFord. Now integrating with L’Oreal mascara, totally mixing classes, but that is the way of the world today. It is the best mascara that I ever used. Its double dip.
Also I have Benefit eyebrows. A 5 step program, that thank you is not 12 steps.
So even though I had the Lasik eye operation done several years ago, and have to say of all the invasive surgeries that I submitted my poor my body to, this 5 minute miracle, has to be up there as one of the best. I can see perfectly. I still use my 5 times magnifying mirror. I call it the Magic Hair Catcher. Tonight I caught a black one, only about half an inch, but where did it come from? And how many people saw it, was the first thing I thought. Best to have only friends your own age, then you are safe. They cannot see a thing, and are not even looking, especially if they are men. It was so black; I wondered why it was not sitting on my eyebrow instead of the cocktail party of white hairs that moved into my once dark brows?
Then out She came. Like the Moby Dick of White Hairs!
And as I was putting on the final layer of the 6th layer of “drag queens always do it better” makeup, there she was, the twin of last months sister, Betty White. The same, but now 3 inches of white hair, (possibly pashima grade?) curling along my new smooth neck. OMG! Again ! I thought, or screamed silently.
It was truly a dilemma, it was white, and it was a white party, should I pull or not? Maybe I can keep one hair as a pet, and I will not get a replacement every month. But I sleep with dogs, surely they would find it one night and eat it, taking my neck with it. Or it could grow so long, it could strangle me unintentionally? Well I gently cut it off, no pulling for this beauty and I super glued her to my temple next to all the other white hairs, this is where she belonged, I am sure she got lost as we all do occasionally on Google maps.