Chapter 33
Food Police moves in with Fashion Addict


My angels are busy this season as two women contacted me about renting rooms for the summer. It was on The fee calculated automatically by the site came to 66,000 euros. I remember staring at that number for a very long time.

I actually totally spent it, while I was in my money trance. I could get a new car and finally say adios to all my long-standing credit card debt. I could also pay Dr. Ohana the balance of my 70th birthday present face lift. I charmed him into thinking I was his newest Jewish charity. I offered myself an instant credit financing with a lay a way plan.

Cut Now and Pay Later.

That 66,000 euros message brought a lot of immediate satisfaction. Then reality set in and I thought they could buy a studio apartment at the beach, second line.

I quickly wrote back and, “YES” but let’s discuss the price, as I do not think 66,000 euros is a reasonable price. Funny enough they agreed with me….

I invited them down for a free weekend to see if we would all get along. They knew each other from Ibiza. Mansion neighbors. We got along great even though I am old enough to be their mother. But you know me- ageless and timeless just like my shoes.

Michele Elizabeth arrives first in a red TTT Audi sports car. I love it as now my red mini has a baby sister. I am hoping that Suzie´s new Porsche is also red. I want my parking lot to be color coordinated. You know you have not arrived in life unless you have your own private parking lot.


So as soon as Michele unpacks and has her first glass of wine, she tells me her goals for the summer:

  1. Lose weight.
  2. Start salsa classes.

Those of you out there that know me can imagine my reaction. As the hours go by, I find out more about Michele. She was a first prize winner in a Miss Britain body building competition. Her boyfriend is Mr. Universe of Britain and was her trainer for the competition. And again for those of you out there that know me, you will all remember Benito who, by the way, 25 years later, is not body building, any longer, but is body fixing. He became the most famous osteopath in Spain. Must have been my inspiration and guidance that got him to the top.

Michele and I bond immediately over our first meal, grilled chicken leg deboned, and ratatouille. I say that I will diet with her as I have totally plateaued on my current year- long Mediterranean diet. Now I am living with a body building dietician and we are having all our meals together. And those meals are portion controlled with the new kitchen scale that Michele bought. My contribution was a new corkscrew, as I knew it was going to be party time this summer…! By the way I do not drink, as I have always wanted to eat my calories rather than drink them. I also hate waking up with self-induced hangovers.

I have given up Netflix. After The Blacklist, I quit. It just could not get better than Blacklist. Although Tom Keene has his own series now, it is not available in Spain. I have no problem waiting for Tom Keene to come into my bedroom; I have waited all my life for unavailable men to come into my bedroom…

My replacement for Netflix is now my own life. Maybe I’ll name the series “Michele and Suzie”. I would rather watch two recently divorced women try to get their mojo back even though it brings up all my bad memories of my own horrible divorce. I am quite sure there are no nice divorces.

Coincidently when I got divorced Salsa lessons were also on my wish list. A big part of me getting my old self back, was grinding into beautiful Cuban boys with no money but a lot of rhythm. I had been hanging in the unopened wife closet far too long.

My other replacement for Netflix, as I need a whole lot of things to replace the big N, is watching Dateline NBC every morning on YouTube. Absolutely horrifying what couples do to each other! Looking back and remembering that my X left me only stealing money and possessions, rather than killing me, I realize I am luckier than a lot of women on the show.

Speaking of closets, that is where I put him with the powerful curse I sent to the universe. Ruin his life, for eternity. I would have preferred killing him, but as Dateline has shown me, untraceable curses are far better, as it seems everyone eventually gets caught for murder. You cannot go to jail for curses, especially since you have been just released from the marriage jail, yourself.

Double jeopardy?

The enormous point is, with all the people, women in particular, looking for summer rentals, Heaven sends me a personal trainer, 24- hour diet policewoman and new friend that I can eat with, swim with, shop with and most important, salsa with.




The best salsa shoes are flats with soft soles, once you have retired from high heels, tight bum and stretched calves, you are rewarded with comfortable tootsies that can sing and dance. After a certain age and you can self-determine that, there is nothing like dancing in comfortable shoes.





I lost 3 pounds in 3 days with Michele kindly suggesting just a few small dietary changes. My own in house Food Policewoman. Doesn’t get better than that!


sexy cop