I guess after squeezing the same boobies for so long, men just get tired of the process. Not exciting for them anymore. The last time we were together, he said he loved sex. I was shocked as if he loved sex so much why didn’t he see me more? Then it hit me the invisible other woman in his life, the wife, he was probably having sex with every morning. Part of waking up, sex, shower etc. She was the vessel of choice and very convenient for a busy businessman.
With this announcement I just turned all of it off.
Besides I saw a video on YouTube of the 10 reasons you know he isn’t into you; he scored 10.
I stopped cold turkey.
If you analyze any relationship, it is always so great in the beginning: Gifts, passion, great restaurants, lots of laughter, lots of fun. I had the girlfriend manual in my head, and followed it perfectly, I was never demanding, and never called on weekends. Well I can’t help being a bit demanding, my name is Beverly Feldman. But then after so many years, everything goes down to the next level, until you are finally in the basement. In the end he became a service provider and I presume that was my position also, but I just wasn’t getting provided with enough. Fabulous restaurants were replaced with coffee at the local workers cafeteria.
I also expected too much. The fantasy of being a “girlfriend” I thought it came with more stuff. Yes the stuff came in the beginning, but as it hit basement level the stuff vanished. It doesn’t matter how good you look, how sweet you are, it fades like a great setting sun. Then all of a sudden you find your life sunless, dark and gloomy, no illusions of love or lovemaking.
I realized in fact I was just lazy; I did not want to go hunting for someone better, too much effort. Better to just have the fantasy that what I had with him was real.
I settled for less than I deserved, which we should never do. Be kind to your inner child. Be honest with her.
So there went all my outfits and my three days of preparation for an encounter. Now the only time I get dressed is to make a new video.
Then something shocking happened. My best friend met someone on a senior dating site and in two weeks they were absolutely in Love. He was calling twice a day, and sending notes all the time. He wasn’t married, he wasn’t a bad boy, he was a really nice man who wanted to be in a relationship.
I was envious, yes I was. Then I thought about my past, the constant waiting for telephone calls, for messages, for visits.
I would like all that time back. So I told my dear friend I am just going to be a bystander and enjoy her happiness from the sidelines. The anxiety of being in love is something I have experienced all too much. Your peace of mind is determined by if you get sms or not. No more. I am happy alone and happy with my dogs.
But then the other side of my brain kidnapped me and held me hostage at two dating sites. It is the same if your best friend buys a great designer bag, you see it and you want it also.
I have my first meeting tomorrow and I have decided it will all be great Diary stories. Until I get tired of not meeting Prince Charming and once again retire from dating.
I was going to meet someone today, but he wanted my whatsapp number and I said I didn’t trust him enough for that, after 6 messages on the site. He canceled the meeting and wrote that he won’t see anyone that doesn’t trust him. Ridiculous right? Asshole in my opinion. But when man #2 asked, I gave it to him immediately. Must be part of the ritual. Happy, that man #1 canceled if that was an indication of his controlling personality. That is just what I don’t need or want.
I only want to date because I love getting dressed up, too many outfits and nowhere to go. Tomorrow is the first interview. Let’s see how it goes… life is about taking chances, dressing up and going out.