Chapter 13
Sex in The Pueblo.

He told me we would have a lunch or diner date on Tuesday; if it was diner I was going to have to shave my legs. It is winter and it had been months, since I shaved, a far cry from years ago of shaving daily. It´s been months since I had seen him anyway. Probably the last time I shaved my legs. The good thing is that I am saving money on blades.

By noon, he hadn’t called so lunch was out and by 5 o´clock, no calls either. Fuck, can’t you even call and say I cannot make it?

I heard that old people really get upset when you don’t show up for an appointment. Is that my case now? Am I becoming an old person? Or have men been disappointing me all my life? I think numero dos.

This is what happens girls when you are in a ¨relationship¨ with a married man with a big business. Even calling it a “relationship” is being generous. It’s more like me shoplifting someone’s husband and not being caught. I don’t think she cares, they have been married 40 years and he is probably a pain in the ass at home. For sure tunes her out. She just had her second heart attack and I figured out it must be from him. Ok I am being mean. I hope when you are reading this, no one has any moral judgments about me dating a married man. My former husband cheated on me for 17 years, of course unbeknownst to me, because what THEY say, those wise people of the universe, the THEY people, the wife is always the last to know.

I graduated from divorce school saying, now I was going to be the girlfriend. My specialty was younger, married guys, somehow they were heavily tanned and had children. This is what you find at Salsa Clubs, so watch where you go dancing. Actually looking back I would suggest gay clubs, a lot safer….

Mr Wrong and I have been seeing each other so long now, I said today at our café (something Spanish people do all day long, at any time) is that “I am having as much sex with you as I did when I was married, nothing. All you have done to me is make me into the gran cajadora de Espana” (the big complainer of Spain).

Because when I do see him all I do is complain that I do not see him enough. Although when I am putting on my makeup I chant “do not complain, do not complain, do not complain.” Being Jewish, it’s a genetic disease with the only cure is, you do what the Jewish woman wants, when she wants.

Before we had the 15 minute coffee, I had to wait for him in his office, for 30 minutes. His office is so cold my feet start were freezing even though I was wearing my extra warm Snow Bunnies, he kept popping his head in, telling me how sexy I looked. Yes I do because, I am back to putting on my sexy hair and face costume like I used to 22 years ago when I started my campaign of seducing him. That was the longest seduction in the history of any seduction, as it actually took him 15 years to cross the sin bridge of pleasure. It took so long we both turned grey, and he lost most of his hair in the process.


Captura de pantalla 2016-01-17 a las 0.29.28

For many years I thought possibly he had a total penis circumcision. But then one day, surprise, surprise, it actually happened. I won the 100 euro bet which was originally pesetas, that is how long the bet was going on, that one day it would actually happen, and I would get laid, banged, screwed. New terminology 2 decades later “hook up”. The bet was with my now 87 year old caretaker Baldermero. I guess he was 77 then when I cashed in, and 65 when we made the bet.

I was wearing a pair of sexy mules, so it easy off. And a white Dolce&Gabbana 2 piece lace outfit. Sexy Italian Virgin. Something actually you could get married in for what the price tag read.

Did you ever hear the joke, about the farmer who wants the bull to mate with his old cow and puts a new hat on her, but still cant get anything to happen, because the bull wants a new cow?

My new hat is all my new Brian Champagne Instagram makeup and my no more slicked back hair. Long and out there, I even, don’t tell anyone, teased it today.

My makeup is better than ever. I watch all those 30 seconds videos, which take an hour to actually do. You must put silver glitter at the inside corners of your eyes or you are out of it, and eyebrows are the new lips… so I am doing it all as I have a master plan for him…seduction with a happy ending. My happy ending? Well that is between Mr Wrong and me.

A long time love is the best investment. Similar to Beverly Feldman shoes or hand bag.